Going into tonight, I thought Helen was going to win Survivor, but just half an hour into it, it was clear that Brian was in control. Just like I imagine he is in his porn movies.

I think tonight was one of the most enjoyable three-hour finales in the show's five encarnations. This group was perhaps the most amusing and likeable ensemble as a whole. (The single funniest Survivor ever is probably Brandon from Africa; his squealing when the flaming arrow falls at his feet from his own bow is classic.) Robb "Two Bs guys, two Bs!" Zbacnik is such an immature punk poser ("poseur" if you're pretentious), it's laughable ? and even he laughed at himself in the live reunion. Clay is King of the Hill's Boomhauer personified ? "You-know-man-I-just-love-that-there-dang dum-great-ass-she's-got-yessir." And Jan with her weeping and beer-drinking and burying dead little animals, she's everybody's favorite kook.

But Brian. Brian was part Richard Hatch (hated by so many), part Colby Donaldson (schemed and plotted his way to the end). He differs from Colby in that he chose Clay and a better chance to win than taking Jan to the final two and, in the event he didn't win himself, allowing a good person at least to be $1 million richer. Of course, had he taken Jan, she would've been. But Brian has his Cadillac to go back to and his big house and his abusive wife. Oh, wait, he's going to file from divorce and there's a restraining order against her. Then how was she in the audience with his parents for the live finale? They must've been in a corner of the studio, 50 feet from Brian's spot on the stage. After Brian won, there was a quick shot of C.C. and, presumably, Brian's parents, then we never saw her again. Probably because she was moved to the back of the studio. Or to a seperate room. A private one with a lock on the outside of the door.

But Jeff Probst didn't probe into that. In fact, Jeff's hosting of the final hour was splendid. As much as Jeff is a lightning rod for the quick and easy laugh over at Television Without Pity and other sites, he's an able host. He knows what questions to ask, and he's a decent protagonist at moving ? and helping? ? the action and infighting along. He didn't mince words with Robb ("Perhaps our most immature contestant ever," or words to that effect) and was downright giddy (again) at showing the clip when he informed the two tribes living together that they hadn't yet merged. He said it was one of the best moments of the show's five installments, and I think it's because it was partly his idea. That's just a hunch.

The single funniest moment, though, came at the moment Jeff went to "tally the votes." Let's recap the first four seasons: In the original Survivor, they played the whole thing out on the island and had everyone sworn to secrecy not to reveal Richard as the winner for five months, or however long it was between the final filming and the air date. In Australia, Jeff came back to Tribal Council ready to read the votes, and then said, "YOINK!" and hopped a copter to the airport and jumped on a plane to L.A., and even the surprised Survivors had to wait months to find out Tina won. In Africa, they tried to make the transition by fooling the TV audience when they came back from commerical and Jeff began reading the votes. The contestants looked a little cleaner, a little healthier, and there was a bit of an echo in the studio. On the Marquesas, they used the occassion of the finale and the summertime to celebrate New York City, holding the live reunion in Central Park and making no attempt at duping the viewers into thinking this was still on tape from months ago.

Tonight, they Mark Burnett tried the twist once again. They came back from commercial and Jeff said a few more words. Then they showed the wide shot of the Tribal Council area out on the water and Jeff walking out to the end of the pier to get the urn. But when they cut back into the tight shot, we saw Jeff standing there for a second before walking to his podium. Then they show a camera angle we haven't seen before, from behind the two remaining contestants.

And then they removed all doubt. Then they switched to the shot on just Brian and Clay. Brian looked cleaner. His beard was groomed, his mullet shiny and full.

Then there was Clay. Clay looked like a stuffed bear. He'd gone from his wiry, scraggly Southerner stranded in Thailand to a plump redneck on vacation in Southern California. It looked like he had a pillow beneath his shirt and a mouthful of gummy bears. I can just imagine the director calling Brian and Clay up 39 days ago and saying, "OK, the finale's in 39 days, so you've got to start growing the beard so you look like you did on that last day in Thailand." Then when Clay showed up at Television City this morning, they took one look at him and said, "Well, shit, now we're fucked."

And then Brian said, "I'm your guy!"

Well, at least Clay didn't win. And Ted looks good. Seems he's kept the weight off well. And Helen's still the man of the house.