"Get your frowns out now," I warned Casey as we exited I-4. "There's no frowning allowed in The Compound."

We were headed to Disney World, the Magic Kingdom. The magic, of course, being how fast the contents of your wallet disappear. HA! That's a good one. No one's ever made that joke before.

I was last at Disney World 20 years ago, perhaps to the day. I have no idea what it was like. I remember Main Street USA and the castle and a few little things (like "It's a Small World" and "Pirates of the Caribbean"), but not much else. And that they were building a new park called Epcot Center. I don't remember if we had to park, then get on a tram to the ticket windows, then get on a boat or a bus or the monorail to the actual park. It's like entering the secret hideaway of a resistance leader. I'm surprised they didn't put bags over our heads so we didn't learn the way in. Or out.

Once we finally got in (on five-day all-park passes the grandparents keep around for the grandchildren, so our wallets are still in decent shape) we made a bee line for the Haunted Mansion, which either because of the sun or because of the duct tape the ghosts have put around the windows to keep out the biological weapons, is very dark. It was so dark it hurt my eyes, if that's possible. Seriously dark.

Back out in the daylight we made our way to Pirates of the Caribbean, which doesn't have the restaurant at the beginning of the ride like at Disney Land. Also, the drop on the ride isn't as big as I'd remembered. From 20 years ago. I think they shortened it by about 90 percent.

Then it was up through the Swiss Family Robinson Tree House, which was neat, but we didn't get to Tom Sawyer's Island, which I loved in Anaheim.

When the lines for the rides in FantasyLand got too long � more than 30 minutes was too long to stand in line with bratty kids and snotty parents for the Mad Hatter's Tea Party or Space Mountain � we rode the monorail (and I thought of The Simpsons) to Epcot. We'd made lunch reservations in Mexico, so we had quite a bit of traveling to do. After circling Epcot (so the recorded voice can point out all the places to visit � with their gift shops) we disembarked beside the giant sphere and immediately went in to ride Spaceship Earth (Presented by AT&T), the ride that goes up into the sphere and presents a history of communication in the world (Presented by AT&T). It was pretty damn neat (Presented by AT&T). At the end, an interactive display (Presented by AT&T) allowed you to use the "story phones" (Presented by AT&T). It's a pay phone that allows you to use sound effects with your call so it can sound like you're calling from a haunted house or the jungle or somewhere (Presented by AT&T). So we used it to call my parents using their 800 number, but they were outside shoveling snow or something because I got the answering machine. So we left a message saying things like, "Hellooooooo ... We're here in this haunted house ... It's pretty scary!" while Casey pressed pictures on the display that put sounds of wails and cries and creaks and thunder through the phone with our voices. "I hope we make it out alive!" we said, then stopped talking, pressed a few more pictures, and hung up.

After lunch we called the parents again to see if they'd gotten the message and Mom was like, "Yeah, what WAS that? We thought it was some kids playing a prank. And I was worried because we're in a High Alert and Jess is flying across the country and you guys are down there ..." Sometimes she's weird. We assured her we got out of the haunted house alive. The Disney Compound was another story.

No, kidding. To whet our appetites, we walked over to some food zone place where they have a ride about food. But that line was long and our reservations were for 2:30, so we went to the food concert where Fud Rapper (voiced by Tone Loc) MC'd a all-star bash featuring Pita Gabriel, the Refridgerator Police, the Peach Boys and a couple other acts. I'm going to suggest they add Bruce Springgreens. I think that'd be a perfect headliner. Many of the songs (parodies) were older tunes � "Every Breath You Take," "Bohemian Rhapsody," etc. I don't know how many kids can relate, and Casey said that to me during the show. "They don't care," I said. "It's dancing food!"

After lunch in Mexico we rode El Rio del Tiempo � the River of Time � to learn the history of Mexico before going next door to Norway and riding the Maelstrom, another water ride through animatronic history. What is it with Disney and the boat rides? Weird.

We skipped the movie about Norway because other cultures awaited us, particularly those with alcohol. We'd had a pint each of Dos Equis at lunch, and our thirst was not yet quenched.

Through the Outpost and the Orient and Germany and Italy we went, then through the streets of Morocco. Next door we ordered champagne from the champagne and wine cart in France and sipped from our plastic flutes in the square. Heading north we went to England to top off the afternoon with a pint in the local pub.

It is here when I came to the conclusion that Epcot deserves The Simpsons' highest rating of Best. Theme park. Ever. I know you can drink alcohol at other parks, but at Epcot you do it under the guise of Cultural Education. I'm not just drinking Bass, I'm drinking Bass in an "English pub" being served by British bartenders imported from Across the Pond. How authentic is it? No barstools. Just the bar on which you rest your foot as you lean your elbows on the bar and chat with the chaps around you or behind the counter.

Full of champagne and ale, we returned to the Kingdom of Magic (via the parking lot where we got our sweatshirts out of the car because it was getting cooler as the afternoon waned into evening) after Casey bought a neat stark white metal lunch box that says "The Beatles" in the corner, just like the cover of the White Album. With the people lined up for the light parade down Main Street USA, we took advantage of the distraction and tried Space Mountain again. Bastards were still lined up for 45 minutes, and rather than spend an hour for one ride, we left and rode three in that time. First we made ourselves dizzy on the Tea Cups, then hit It's A Small World, perhaps Casey's favoritest ride in all the world. (It's a small one, after all.) Then we capped our day as we began it � a visit to the Haunted Mansion. Outside that ride, we caught the end of the parade and weaved through the crowds to get back to the corner of Main Street USA across from Casey's Corner where we were to meet Bryan's parents, visiting from Massachusetts. After about a half-dozen missed opportunities where I was somewhere without her, they'd yet to meet Casey and Bryan's dad Bill had begun joking that she didn't exist. So this was the chance to prove them wrong. We watched Tinkerbell fly from the castle (or slide down a wire; whatever) and the fireworks shoot off over The Happiest Place On Earth and then stood on the corner talking while the tourists rushed the exits. We were like bears sitting on a rock in the middle of the rushing river.

We then shot over to Downtown Disney, basically a shopping center under the guise of the empire, and got what could've been a quick bite to eat at Wolfgang Puck's Cafe; instead, our wait was longer than half an hour and we didn't leave until after 11 p.m. By now Casey and I were shivering and I was weary, but we made the hour-long drive home without incident and fell fast asleep.

I didn't even get a chance to write about the day, merely scribbling phrases and highlights into my journal and expanding upon them later. It was 15 hours from when we left the house until we returned.

(Oh, and Case, my notebook says you have to tell Bassett that they changed Spaceship Earth back to the big dome of stars at the top of the sphere and about how you willed "Leader of the Band" to come on two songs after "Operator.")