I'm completely going against everything I believe in, everything that is right and good with the world ... and I'm not posting any kind of April Fool's joke entry here. Nor am I playing any on my friends. I don't dare try any at home, for I live with part of the 0.008% of the population who can't stand surprises in any form, let alone stupid (in some eyes) and lame gags that end with the exclamation "April Fool's!"

I've played some good ones in my day. Like the time in high school � or maybe earlier, maybe elementary school � when I got up after Mom got in the shower, then went to every clock in the house and set them ahead an hour. I even crawled into my parents' room while my dad slept, slinked past the foot of the bed to Mom's side, reached up, pulled down her clock radio, changed the time, and crawled back out. I went downstairs and reset every clock there, though I knew that the joke would probably be up long before Mom came down. Sure enough, when she was out of the shower and back in her bedroom, as I crouched at the top of the stairs, just outside their door, I heard her exclaim, "Shoot! Is it 7:30 already! Joe! Get up!" I wish I could've held out longer, but I started snickering loudly and gave myself away. When Mom realized what was up, she laughed. Dad, still groggy, smiled at how I put Mom into a frenzy. That year it was the trick that keeps on giving: In setting the analog clock on our old stove, I'd first tried one tiny knob, but that didn't change the time. So then I tried the other, and it worked. Well, for several days after that, the oven didn't seem to warm up enough for Mom's cooking needs. She couldn't figure it out and finally called a repair man to come look at it. It took him all of three minutes to tell her that "this knob here, next to the clock, allows you to set the oven to not get hotter than a certain temperature." Turns out I had set the oven to cap off at like 250 degrees or something.

Then he charged them 35 bucks for the visit.

Another time, I took transparent tape � Scotch, if you will � and taped down the handle on the hose attachment. You know, that hose-and-sprayer thingy that you pull out from near the faucet to get a different angle when washing dishes. Or whatever you use it for. Hey, it's your house. I'm just saying I wouldn't do that in my kitchen. So I rigged the sprayer to spray toward the center of the sink when someone turned on the water. Turns out that my friend Matt and his mom came by to pick me up just as Mom was walking to the sink. I was just outside the kitchen, underneath the open window over the sink, when I heard the water come on, Mom shriek, and then, "DANIEL!!" Ah, good times.

It sounds like I pick on my mom, but I don't. It's just that two of my most memorable April Fool's pranks involved Mom as my target.

I've got stuff to say about the weekend and all, but I don't want to get into it all at work, so maybe I'll get to that at home later.

But before I post this, I wonder if today's stories are true:

Is Corey Clark out of American Idol? (OK, it does.)

Does Keith Olbermann know when to quit? (Apparently not.)

Is Jennifer Garner back on the market? (That's the rumor anyway. Watch Access Hollywood tonight.)

Is Matt Doherty out at UNC? (Yeah, probably.)

And, on another note (I'm all over the place right now), if you've never come across Grandma's sex show on late-night Oxygen while channel surfing, just be careful. It's kind of a shock to see Grandma Sue holding a bright blue dildo up to the camera and talking to you at 11 p.m.