This is what I would say to the one who left, if I could, but I won't, because it is just better to let this go. She's returning what she shouldn't have taken, and we'll live with that. We don't win in a blowout, but we win. Name has been changed to avoid problems.

I don't know where you get off, Betty, thinking you have any legal rights here.

Look at it from my standpoint (and I'll try to explain it in simple terms you can understand): All of a sudden, on July 21, you call me to tell me we need to have a roommate meeting. You're "fucking pissed off" about something, you assure me it's not Casey, and then when we do sit down on the 22nd, you proceed to rip into Lori, complaining about weeks' worth of alleged grievances that have led to your state of mind at that point. You ask if Lori's leaving, you ask for a date. Lori says she doesn't know, but she's still planning to do so at some point. That's not good enough for you, so you announce that when you return from "vacation" (I think the hospital let you out too early) on Sunday, July 28, you'll "start packing."

Just days later, Lori has a lead on a job and an apartment, and it dawns on Casey and me that if she leaves shortly after you do, we'll be in financial trouble -- we'll have to deal with all these bills and an $1800 per month apartment that's too big for the two of us. So I wrote you an e-mail, explaining the situation, suggesting you not be so hasty in your decision to flee (because that's precisely what you did, you took your toys and ran away like a child). On Sunday afternoon, the 28th, Casey and I return from a movie to find half your stuff gone. Within an hour, you return and take the rest of it (and then some), promising to return on Wednesday the 31st to settle your share of the bills.

And until Tuesday night -- three weeks later -- we hadn't heard from you. You left your job (we're guessing it wasn't your choice), gave up your cell phone (Debbie, the new owner of your number, had to call and explain she had no idea who kept calling her), and didn't return e-mails. You didn't leave us a forwarding address or phone number, so were it not for the wonderful world wide web and e-mail, we likely would never have heard from you again, and you likely never would've gotten your mail (which I took to the post office this morning, but God knows why anyone would want you at their wedding).

We weren't asking for anything extra from you. Those bills are your responsibility. Do you know what that word means, little girl? We weren't asking you for September's phone bill, we were asking you to pay for what you used. We could still pursue that money, as well as the rest of your rent for the duration of the lease, and the other bills that will accumulate over that time. But since someone has finally explained it to you (or written an e-mail on your immature behalf) we are at least getting what we really want -- Lori's curtains and the keys. You and your "attorney" could try to challenge us in court, but that would require time and money that, frankly, this situation is not worth. If this "attorney" is taking money from you and telling you that you have a case, I'd check the crayon with which he created his diploma. The three of us will gladly pool together $52 to be rid of you. Not even several hundred dollars is enough to put us back in the same room with you.

You see, Betty, you left on your own. We did not ask you to, we did not suggest it, we did not come close to hinting at it. You broke the lease, which is a contract, and in doing so, you lost all your rights. What you should've done, and this is a moot point by now, is asked Lori to leave. She's not on the lease. Legally, this apartment was more ours than hers; it's now all mine. But you chose to run away. I don't know how you made it this far in life if this is how you handle simple problems like insignificant disputes with roommates.

We continue to laugh at your contention that Lori "hid" the phone from you. How about it fell behind the bed? You claim she came home one night and demanded the phone from you, which is true. That's because she came home one night to hear you on the phone talking to someone, bitching about Lori, about your fantasized problems with her, and she had had enough of you badmouthing her on her own phone.

Do you have any idea how to deal with problems? Do you run away every time, or do others usually run out on you before you have a chance to take flight yourself? There was nothing in your complaints about Lori that couldn't have been solved with a few discussions here, a few questions there, some compromises from both of you. Sure, I have been friends with Lori for years, but I still looked at this living situation as my coming into her place. If I wanted to put up pictures, or hang something on the refrigerator, I asked her. I did not assume anything was off limits.

Living with other people is hard. Living with strangers is more challenging, but everyone has to give a little somewhere. From my observations beginning last November, you gave nothing. You did not compromise once.

You know what's funny about all this? It is August 21. Lori has been in this apartment maybe five or six total days all month, and no more than three in a row. She's been spending a lot of time in Connecticut, looking at apartments, interviewing for jobs, and is now on vacation. If you could have grown up just a little, listened to someone other than the voices in your head (how many there are psychiatrists may never know), you could've stayed here, fulfilled your contract, your legal obligation, said goodbye to Lori come September, and said hello to your $1,800 come November.

As it is, our final image of you is with that hideous zit on your chin -- the perfect boil for a witch -- as you struggled in the July heat to take your stuff in a huff and leave Edgewater behind. And it's quite amusing. This apartment hasn't changed much since, but it is a whole lot brighter. We come home now to an open door at the end of the hallway, more light in this place both physically and metaphorically. As it turns out, this won't cost us anything extra (with the exception of those bills through November) because, as is the right and legal thing to do, your security deposit will cover your share of the rent for September and October. And come November, Casey and I will move into our own place while Lori enjoys life in Connecticut.

Where will you and your damaged credit report be?