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Tuesday, May 13, 2003 - 3:18 p.m.

An adolescent's holy grail

I am 26 years old, and I just purchased my first copy of Playboy.

Yep, I've gone roughly 14 years of Female Awareness without handing over any of my own cash for something every adolescent boy dreams of getting his hands on. I've seen issues before, of course � and once convinced one friend's older brother to let me take a copy or two of some of his older issues � but I haven't really had any desire to go ahead and make the purchase myself.

Eight years ago, when I turned 18 as a freshman in college, I joked about going out and buying one, just because I could. Turning 18 is a milestone in America, but what you can do with it is limited: You can vote, which didn't apply to me until November of that year, two months after my birthday; you can buy cigarettes, but I have never touched one in my life; you can get into some nightclubs, but I was in college and had parties and free Natural Light; and you can buy certain "adult-themed" items.

I just never got around to it.

So what brought on this slight slip into the stereotypical realm of "A Guy"? Nothing, really. It was an impulse buy. I was at Borders to buy Moneyball, a by-all-accounts-fabulous book on the behind-the-scenes operations of Oakland A's general manager Billy Beane and his theories on building a major-league franchise on a tight budget. I've read two excerpts which have enthralled me, so I decided it deserved the use of my Borders gift card from Christmas. As I descended the stairs of the new nearby store with the book � the sports books are upstairs, the registers downstairs � I gazed down at the magazines, and the top of the white cover of Playboy caught my eye. I recognized it because of work and the news � Joe Millionaire's Sarah Kozer is on the cover of the current issue and Mike Piazza talks about his sex life. I'm interested in the Piazza interview � NOT his sex life � and just a tad curious about the Kozer photos.

OK, so let me stop here for a moment, because I know many of you � hi, ladies � just cringed. Let me explain. Having seen the Jerri Manthey pictures on the internet (yes, that too came up in research for work, trust me), I realize that they will be all arranged and airbrushed and ridiculous and not natural. There's just something more interesting about seeing such photos of someone you already know of rather than some random playmate of the month or girl of the Big Ten. The only other time I considered buying an issue of the magazine was a few years ago when Katarina Witt did her pictorial (and there was an unrelated interview with Kevin Smith). I wanted that issue because Witt was the only reason I've ever had to watch figure skating, ever (and I believe Rick Reilly held the same sentiments and wrote a column to that effect in Sports Illustrated when the issue came out). Again, Witt wasn't some bimbo from San Diego into "long walks on the beach"; she was a sports icon, a recognizable figure from the 1988 Olympics. There was more to her than her body. In some ways, it's only slightly more than wondering what the cute co-worker or the guy behind the counter at your regular Starbucks looks like, because you already know a little about them as a person. It's a curiosity I guess I still haven't resolved yet.

Alright, maybe it makes no sense to you, but it seems just a little logical to me.

Yet even though I'm 26 and look older than the two guys working the registers at Borders this afternoon, I still walked up there with a twinge of nervousness with the book over the cover of the magazine and holding them in such a way that the back of the mag and its Absolut ad faced out. While on a much smaller scale, it was not unlike the first time I bought condoms � nervous at being noticed or drawing attention to myself, maybe a bit afraid someone would judge me (and, naturally, the anticipation of getting home to use them, because let's face it, the purchase is not the point). Of course, that didn't happen (either time) and the one guy who rang up my purchase on this slow day turned to his idle coworker behind the counter and said, "Dude, have you seen this yet? The chick from Joe Millionaire?" as he held up the magazine.

I knew of friends whose fathers subscribed to Playboy and knowing what I know now about media and magazines geared toward adults, that doesn't seem so weird. However, I don't see myself ever subscribing, particularly not if I ever end up having a child living under the same roof. That would seem weird to me, to be a happily married Playboy subscriber. It might be more weird than buying it at a convenience store once in a while, which really isn't that weird.

So it sits in the front seat of the car � this being the middle of a work day and that being my lunch break, I haven't had a chance to open Playboy yet. I'm not about to flip through it in my cubicle.

I'll let you know what Piazza has to say. I mean, I did buy it for the article.

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This was disturbing: Walking out of Borders, I spotted a car � a BMW no less � in the parking lot with the license plate "SUETHEM." What a great outlook on life. Bastard.

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