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Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2003 - 3:43 p.m.

Simon says you're horrible

Don't really have much to say today.

Unless I talk about American Idol.

I'm so into that show. Not for the talent but for the process. I won't buy the winner's single or album, and I don't know that I'll have any interest in seeing the movie Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson are making.

But I love watching idiots bitch and moan.

All these kids who come out to audition and then are surprised at Simon's harsh words or the other criticisms from Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul, what are they watching? Did they not see the first season? Do they not know that this is part of the deal? Heck, Simon even acts mean with the performers he likes, as he did with the twin sisters � "You both sound the same, so there's no point in taking both of you, so which one gets to go?"

The brash Brit's best line may have been, "If you lived 2,000 years ago, they would've stoned you for that performance." I bet he's been saving that one for months.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want any of the contestants to refrain from whining. That would get rid of the fun.

SIMON
No one is gonna be sending you to Hollywood.

CONTESTANT
At least I'm from a country where people bruch their teeth twice a day.

SIMON
Gosh, that told me.

I honestly think that last night's and tonight's shows will be the most entertaining of the season. I don't care what kind of criticism the final 10 get, because by then the judges run out of how to say what they want to say. Randy just keeps repeating the contestants' names and saying "Dude." Like: "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. That was great, dude." Paula will tell three different people during the competition that they scored touchdowns, and Simon will whip out a genuinely nice comment about once every 30 minutes. In fact, I think he likes to praise performers, it's just that he enjoys his image too much. Even when he wants to quickly welcome someone to Hollywood, he throws a little criticism their way or turns to Paula or Randy first, holding them in suspense.

It's obvious that Randy didn't use the hiatus to study a thesaurus. He hasn't "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly'd" anyone yet, but "dude" is still a crutch for him. When Nathaniel Golden Jr., he of the jeans split up the side to the waist (Ryan Seacrest: "What do you wear under those?" Nathaniel: "I wear a thong." Ryan: "A thong? OK. I feel comfortable."), finished his descecrating of "My Girl," the judges laughed at first. Then Randy offered, "It just was terrible, dude," as if throwing in the "dude" would soften the blow. Nathaniel then went on to spit fire at them, complete with flamboyant hand waving and high-pitched squeals.

The aforementioned Seacrest seems sedated this year, but that may be the result of these taped segments. He wasn't so ... so Ryan Seacrest last year until the live shows began. He doesn't do so well with the improvisation. He was easier to � ahem � swallow in this first ep and I actually enjoyed some of his camera time. Sitting with two girls from Staten Island, one who was dating a guy the other had previously humped, Seacrest asked the current GF if she'd come to the audition just to spite the ex. "Did you?!" the ex demanded, though without showing that she completely comprehended the meaning of "spite." "NO," the GF assured her, not so assuringly.

When Simon called one contestant, Christopher, the "worst singer in New York," Christopher claimed he wasn't and took up Simon on the challenge to find someone worse. Seacrest and a camera went out on the streets of Manhattan and asked a few people to sing � all of them, particularly an opera singer, were far and away better than Christopher.

With an understated Seacrest and no more Brian Dunkelman (who wasn't even mentioned in the "where are they now" feature on last season's top 10), AI has brought in Kristen Holt, one of last season's top 30 who, in her audition, ran up to the judges' table and slid underneath it. Kristen's there to talk with contestants in the holding room. If she ever gets on camera with Seacrest, he'll probably make comments or ogle her but it won't stop the gay rumors.

By having two 90-minute premiere episodes (tonight we'll see auditions from Detroit, Nashville and L.A.), we get more of the horrendous, but also more time for amusing and pleasant side stories. It was nice to hear about Austin contestant Coffey expecting a baby any minute, but it was even more pleasant to see shots of him holding his newborn daughter toward the end of the show. And they interviewed Frenchie Davis from Washington, D.C., whose friends printed out flyers and collected money on campus to raise $250 to send her to New York to audition. Hopefully Fox will pick up the tab to get her to Hollywood.

What could potentially be the best aspect of season two wasn't utilized enough, however. The little confessional booth that Fox set up for the discarded contestants is brilliant, particularly for one blonde girl who wailed, "They called me Kelly Osbourne!" and then broke down into her tissue as if she was just told her puppy had been killed.

Face it, it's great TV.

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