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Monday, Mar. 24, 2003 - 12:03 a.m.

The fastest Oscar commentary on the web

And now, presented minutes after the final rise of the music signaling the end of another acceptance speech (and for no particular reason), is my running Oscar commentary. Steve Martin said, �If you�d like a transcript of tonight�s show, write down everything we say.� So I kinda did. But not really.

8:30-9:00 p.m.

So they�re trying to speed up the Oscars by giving Best Animated Film to something called Spirited Away rather than one most moviegoers had heard of, like Lilo & Stitch. And yet, then they go and insist on slowing things down by showing a montage of former Best Supporting Actor winners before announcing it. (Chris Cooper -- yay!)

Jennifer Connoly apparently is pregnant.

Is Nic Cage�s date Jack Nicholson??

Did they have Jennifer Lopez present Best Art Direction because of all the Latino names and she�d pronounce them best (because she did very well).

Steve Martin is pretty funny.

A pregnant Catherine Zeta-Jones is just as big as Queen Latifah. I wonder if Renee Zellweger regrets not performing, because it�s well-done and it looks like they�re having fun. Queen even made a wardrobe change.

9-9:30 p.m.

Notre Dame�s women just upset Arizona in the NCAA Tournament. Hey the Oscars are in commercial. And Florida lost. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Some U.S. forces are less than 100 miles to Baghdad, but they won�t be there for about two more hours because they�re stopping at the next exit for some breakfast.

Peter Jennings, apparently, is holding the Oscars hostage so he can get be to ABC what Dan �We�ll break in if news breaks out� Rather has been to CBS throughout the basketball tournament.

Jennifer Garner is HOT, but why did she have to share the stage with Mickey? Yes, the mouse.

Bryan just called, so I missed some of what happened. Oh, Chicago just won again -- for Best Costume Design and some costume chick just read from a piece of paper in a monotone. If Chicago keeps winning, I�m going to get very tired of �All That Jazz.� I�ll probably wake up singing it.

What is Daniel Stern doing in a sitcom? Oh yeah -- sucking.

Salma Hayek has a bug up her ass. She hasn�t been shown smiling yet. Oh wait! There she goes -- because Frida won for Best Makeup. But is it a real category if there are only two movies up for it? And did The Time Machine have a chance? In retrospect, it was really dumb of me to put the latter down on Casey�s Oscar sheet at work (since I filled out one in her name after she�d forgotten to do it). I�m kicking myself, since I�ve been right on five of the first eight awards given out tonight on her sheet, and if I�d put some thought into it, I�d have six of eight. Or two of eight, because I would�ve overthought the others.

Sean Connery�s wearing a poofy shirt. I guess when you look and talk like that, you can do anything.

9:30-10

CZJ wins. Chicago is going to clean up. Just call Rob Marshall up on stage now. Oh my God -- Catherine just finished her speech by saying, Yes, I really am 43!

OK, and what�s this -- instant replay on the Oscars? Well, if they wonder why the show runs 20 minutes over, they�ll know why.

Aquafina�s using �Pure and Simple� for its commercials. Everyone�s selling out!

I wonder if they harvested hair from Martin Scorsese�s eyebrows to construct Salma�s unibrow in Frida.

OK, Frida wins a real Oscar -- best original score. �For you, Mexico.� Ole!

A standing ovation for Julie Andrews. Little tear. A good job of bringing out some classic people to introduce classic Oscar moments.

A highlight of Oscar�s musical moments -- �Blame Canada� with RobinWilliams was brilliant.

Yahoo�s ad for its personals in which everyone is practicing their Hellos in front of the mirror is quite clever. While only the Super Bowl is known for the quality and creativity of its ads, the Oscars and a few other popular broadcasts do get their share of clever spots. Just before that was another Cedric The Entertainer Budweiser ad, with a poodle shot out of a limo. If only it were real.

Hey! It�s Salma in a Saturday Night Live sketch. Oh, my mistake -- she�s reading off the TelePrompTer, not the cue cards. Couldn�t tell the difference. And Germany wins for Best Foreign Film, but the country didn�t show for the ceremony. Probably because of the whole war thing. Oh, wait, Hollywood�s against the war, so that can�t be it.

Julianne Moore is HOT.

CZJ is holding her Oscar in her seat. I find that funny.

10-10:30

YES! Michael Moore wins for Bowling For Columbine. I feel a political speech coming on ... He invited the other nominees up -- very classy. Oh, and remember what I said two seconds ago? Here�s some of what Michael said: �We stand here in solidarity. ... We live in a world with ficticious election results where we elect a ficticious president. ... Sending us to war for ficticious reasons. ... We are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you!� He was booed, but give him credit.

I overthought Best Documentary Short Subject -- on my sheet, I put Twin Towers, figuring it would win. On Casey�s, I reconsidered and thought maybe it was too much for the Academy. Apparently not.

Martin: �It�s a touching scene backstage. The teamsters are helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.�

Kathy Bates: �Every time an Oscar is given out, and agent gets his wings.� Is it spunk or sass that she has?

The piece on Oscar winners describing their winning moments is great.

Isaac Hayes is so COOL.

Colin Farrell�s accent is so COOL. But then again, so is Bono�s, and Van Morrison�s isn�t bad either, when they talk.

10:30-11

Susan Sarandon is so classy. Known as one of the more vocal anti-war actors, she simply bowed and held up two fingers in a sign of peace before she crossed to the podium to introduce the Montage of Dead People. And this year�s Most Important Dead Person (the last one they show) -- director Billy Wilder. This year�s �Holy crap, he�s dead?!� person -- James Coburn. I think I missed that one. I�d forgotten about Dudley Moore, but immediately remembered when he came on the screen; not so much with James.

Martin, after commercials: �Later we�re doing a montage of people you thought were dead but aren�t.�

I really thought Jack was going to win. But I�m happy for Adrien, who planted a lip-lock on Halle Berry. �There comes a time in life where everything seems to make sense, and this is not one of those times.� His classy comments on the war -- just after he told the orchestra to �cut it out� -- illicited a standing ovation.

Holy crap. Eminem wins? OK, fine, listen Luis. I can understand you want to make some sort of comment -- but wear a shirt, not a hideous throwback Pistons jersey.

11-11:30

Peter O�Toole gets his lifetime achievement Oscar -- which he tried to reject a few weeks back when they told him they�d awarded it to him; he said something like, �I like to think I�m still in the game and might still get one some day.� I liked that. I think they should�ve given him one for How To Steal A Million with Audrey.

�I think of the United States and all the friends I�ve made here ... and how much the nation has given me personally, privately and professionally, and i�m deeply thankful. And now you�ve given me this delightful shock. You�re very good. Good night and God bless you.�

Nicole Kidman�s nose wins Best Actress. Denzel: �And the Oscar goes to ... Oh my -- by a nose, Nicole Kidman.� Nicole: �Oh. Russell Crowe said, �Don�t cry if you get up there,� and now I�m crying. ... Why do you come to the Academy Awards when the world is in such turmoil? Because art is important and you believe in what you do and you want to honor that and it is a tradition that needs to be upheld. And at the same time, you say there are a lot of problems in the world and since 9/11 there�s been a lot of pain in terms of families losing people, and now with the war families losing people, and God bless them. And I�m standing here in front of my mother and my daughter and my whole life I�ve wanted to make my mother proud and I�ve wanted to make my daughter proud. So thank you.�

They�ve wheeled out 59 living Oscar winners, and ... Michael Caine had some freaky-ass glasses back in the day ... Kirk and Michael Douglas together ... Joel Gray is still alive ... that guy from West Side Story -- didn�t know he�d won ... I like how they show them in their winning roles and during their acceptance speeches ... Marlee Matlin is HOT ... MR. YUNIOSHI! ... What�s higher -- Christopher Walken�s hair now or Mary Steenbergen�s in 1980? ... How cute: Michael Douglas and CZJ each now have one.

11:30-12 a.m.

Hmmm ... IMDB.com seems to be down. Wonder why ...

Hey, I just realized -- in addition to �Pure and Simple� in the Aquafina commercial, George Clooney provides the voiceover, I believe. I�m not sure because I only caught the end of it. And hadn�t Lisa Kudrow done it before?

Richard Gere is �one of the world�s favorite actors�? I missed that headline. Martin: �When I heard that Richard Gere was not nominated for his role in Chicago, I said, �Welcome to my world, Richard Gere.��

I love it when the seat fillers are more conspicuous than empty seats -- like we all know that Michael Douglas is sitting to CZJ�s right, but they just panned over the audience and it was some other guy.

J. Lo gave Ben Af. some pronunciation lessons. I was way off on the screenplay awards. I thought for sure Nia Vardalos and her Greek wedding would get it (not Talk To Her) and I was split on About A Boy and Chicago, not The Pianist, for adapted screenplay.

Roman Polanski gets Best Director? Woah. The Pianist just might take the big one. And now they�re going to get their pre-midnight end, so I had that one wrong on the sheet.

Michael and Kirk to present Best Picture. Pretty neat. Kirk: �This is my son Michael. He has two awards -- but I�m still young! The 75th anniversary ... to be 75 again ... [Turning to Michael, slurring his words because of his stroke and age] Speak distinctly.�

Nope -- Chicago gets it. It�s 11:52. I�m tired. I should make sure I watch all the films next year so I know what I�m doing on the Oscar sheets. I didn�t do too badly, but I feel like I could�ve done better. Of course, I still like Traffic better than Gladiator.

Martin: �We�re finally at the halfway mark. I have so many people to thank tonight. Steven Speilberg. Why? Because it can�t hurt.�

I�m going to bed.

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