I was asked again to write out an essay explaining why I should be able to leave at a certain hour, perhaps before all our work is done here for the night. I left out the fact that my supervisor, who asked that I compose this piece for him, is also leaving because his band has a gig and if I wanted to, I simply could've not said anything and then left after he did, because our other in-house researcher doesn't mind � and she was on vacation last week, so we deserve a break, you know? So this time, only 250 words were requested, along with reasons why a replacement should be brought in.

I did not fall short of those expectations.

It is clear that that with the most recent schedule released today (at 11:23 a.m.), today should be a pretty manageable day as far as Fridays go. Ergo, I hereby submit a request to be released from my fact-checking duties before the hour of seven this evening.

However, I do not propose that my seat remain vacant for the duration of the extended workday. I propose using a giraffe in my stead, for reasons which, although they should be clear, I will explain below.

First and foremost � as it always is with giraffes, and if you ask them (as I have), they get quite annoyed by this because they feel they have more to offer � is the long neck. In today�s office environment, a giraffe is an invaluable employee because he or she is able to maintain an eye on his or her own work while also catching the movements around the office, all without having to stand up. With a giraffe, there is no need to blindly shout across the partitions when trying to get someone�s attention � simply ask the giraffe if the particular co-worker is at his or her desk.

A giraffe would be good for this job because of its keen eyesight � giraffes are known to be able to maintain visual contact at long distances for an extended period of time, a skill that would no doubt help with staring at page proofs for hour after hour.

Finally, adult giraffes provide important (and quite necessary, here in Englewood Cliffs) protection against lion attacks. In the event of a lion attack (no doubt from the Kamson Corporation), our giraffe will stand over us, protect us and drive the lions away. No lion wants to be kicked to death, which it will have to consider when our giraffe stands in the way.