I was all OK with how today was going to go until I got to work. Well, maybe it started a little sooner, when I deposited a little Valentine's check from mom (she and dad are making my student loan payment this month), and looked at the balance in my checking account. It disheartened me, to say the least. Knowing that I get paid tomorrow didn't help much, because I'll get paid, but then I'm writing checks to MBNA and the Student Loan Corp. and VoiceStream.

So then I get here, and the women are in red and there's sugar everywhere -- Krispy Kreme doughnuts, kisses, cookies, M&M's -- and Joe brought Allison three roses and a card and although Casey and I didn't want to do anything special today, and she kept insisting I didn't need to do anything or get her anything, now I feel bad. I know I didn't have to, but I want to. I smiled and said how I was off the hook today, and Allison suggested it was because I'm just so romantic everyday. Not that she would know, but she's right. I am. And yet I still have the feeling that I didn't do enough. On Monday when I went to Casey's place, I brought a card (Powerpuff Girls, since I'd seen it weeks ago and knew I had to get it) and Balloon Fight for the old-school Nintendo she has in her room since her Balloon Fight doesn't work. So then on Tuesday, when we weren't expecting to see each other but we did because my other plans were changed, she gets me a Tumbleweed candle, something I've wanted since seeing it in a Chelsea store in November and sniffing it and imagining that I was back in the desert because of the wonderful smell. We'd said we didn't need to do much. She said we could celebrate in New Orleans in two weeks. I said the only thing better than having someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with was having someone to celebrate with and choose not to do anything in particular. Now I'm not happy about it, and I think it's more the fact that it was my work schedule that made the decision for me more so than Casey or myself.

Because although Valentine's Day is a contrived holiday during which we can choose to celebrate our love and get married (the old curmudgeon Rich is off tonight because it's his anniversary) or "bah humbug" our way through, it is, really, a one or the other. There's no in-between. You're either happy today or you're not. You either like it or you don't. And I think I like it.

I have no problem not celebrating specifically with Casey specifically on this day. We exchanged gifts earlier this week and had our fun too, and had I gotten tonight off, I'd most likely be at the Notre Dame-Rutgers basketball game with my family than with Casey, because she assured me I could go if I wanted.

Instead, I'm here, and all of a sudden I'm just not happy about it. I got my plane tickets for spring training (and gave myself a paper cut on my thumb in closing the envelope again), but I'm not excited. I'm hoping to have a new job by March 20, but now I know my boss will flip out about it, about me leaving now, if that is indeed what happens. Of course, I'll tell him I tried to leave in September, but then the towers fell and the economy slumped and the market dove and things just didn't work out. And maybe he'll make me stay until the end of March, and hopefully my new employer will allow it, but who knows?

Yes, tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I wake up and sit down at my computer and write letters and print resumes and mail the packets off to the city. It will be a good weekend, I'm sure. I was hoping to switch with Fred to get Sunday off, but he's got a volleyball thing in Pennsylvania, so that's not happening. But it should still be a fun weekend.

I'm wearing blue, myself, because it's a Notre Dame shirt, but I'm using a red pen tonight, so I'm a bit in the spirit, I suppose. I had my car's oil changed and tires rotated, but held off on the power steering flush because I just don't want to give up on that $99 right now. And because the dealership wasn't washing cars today, I had to shell out another $16 for that, because the Grand Am needed it and it made me feel better, for a while anyway, to look at the sleek, shiny black car of mine. And to think I'll have to give it up in the name of 400 extra dollars each month when Casey and I make that move to the city.

I can't wait for that day.