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Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2001 - 12:12 p.m.

Devotion

I just stare at the words on the screen, growing blurry through the water welling in my eyes just a little, that common companion to the lump in my throat. For a moment it's like it was, like it used to be: like it's something fictional, or at least not happening to me. I read it and wonder who's behind it, who wrote it and who it's about and why can't it be me?

And then I remember it is me and that I am the luckiest guy in the world – the luckiest one I know, anyway. I can't imagine being the one who does that to you and then, at the same time, I love being the one who does that to you. I can't believe it because it's like I did it to myself; that is, you did the same thing for me and there's some sense of by believing in you, believing in my feelings for you (no matter how much I tried to hold them in check), I made it all happen in return.

I hung up the phone last night and moved my pillow to the head of my bed to await Five Questions lying on my stomach, ready to click off the TV and fall asleep, and wondered if you had the same Foster's commercial on your affiliate and I just started laughing. What are these cosmic forces? What stars are alligned? What planets have entered which constellations? What if I bowl a strike? — (!) See? That, there – the questions just fly through my mind and I can't hold them in check, and I don't even understand it all myself. And I may be the only one who understands these ramblings this morning, but I have a feeling – and faith – you'll keep up.

I've gone on faith of something for months now. Faith you'd fulfill my hopes, faith in knowing you upon first sight without prior yearbook assistance, faith in saying what I feel and your returning it, faith in giving you my heart and knowing it's in good care. There is nothing bad or rash about this and though it scares me to see "cheated" written there, I know that's over, that's old, that's not who you are anymore. The circumstances were different, anyway – it wasn't me. And though there are things we'll never forget – I know that's it's not possible to forget all the past, the mistakes and the heartbreak – I know that for me, at least, I forget that it was me. I forget that I was that person, the one who said those things or felt that way about someone else. We can't forget the others, but you make me forget that it was me in that relationship, like it was two people I read about or saw in a movie or on TV. Part of that is because I'm a different person, a better person, someone who has been in both the long relationship and been in the short relationship based on lust – not love – and I'm now able to see that ours is already better and stronger and safer.

And all these clichιs run through my head, but I keep coming back to one – I can't help but fall in love with you all over again.

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