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2000-11-14 - 19:44:24

Can't anyone here drive?

I was on the road today, and some things flew around my head ... If I were President, or at least Governor of New Jersey, I'd make some major changes in the way we travel on the roads. People are terrible drivers, and I've done enough driving in my relatively short time behind the wheel -- seven years -- to know who shouldn't be allowed on the road.

Old Drivers

First, once you reach a certain age, you should have to take the driving test again in order to renew your license. Let's make it 65, since that's the retirement age, and those people don't have anything to do during the day anyway, so let them sit in the DMV and retake their road test -- which has to be changed, by the way, to allow for those taking the test to accelerate to 40 mph. Because one of the things I would change is if you can't get within 5 mph of the speed limit, you are permanently banned from any roads where the speed limit is greater than 35 mph. There are too many little old ladies not from Pasadena who brake for every sign, bend, tree and stone in the road that they could wear out their brakes in a month -- if they went fast enough in the first place to even create a need for brakes.

Turning

All car manufacturers will have to update their designs to add a safety feature, kinda like they did with that third brakelight years ago. If a driver makes a turn of more than 10 degrees without using his or her turn signal, he or she will receive a not-so-pleasant shock to the buttocks from the vehicle. I know all those Lexuses (Lexi?), Mercedes, Corvettes and SUVs have turn signals -- so freakin' use them, people!

SUVs

Speaking of SUVs, anyone wishing to purchase one must show proof of one of the following: 1. Living in a harsh weather area, in which you receive significant snowfall each winter. 2. Owning a large boat that can only be pulled by an SUV you own. 3. Regular approved off-road use either recreation or job-related. Parking on the grass at the country club, getting to the beach or driving to the remote areas of Arches National Park or some other western lands so that you don't have to go far from the car do not count. 4. Each year after purchase, the owner must return to the dealer with documentation of having accomplished one of the approved uses in order to keep the vehicle. Failure to provide proof will result in an automatic trade in for a minivan or sedan, depending on need.

Yield signs

You know those red and white triangular signs pointing down? Those are yield signs, and when they're facing you, it means you must stop if there is a car coming along the road onto which you want to turn. Failure to yield will catch up to you in Hell.

Toll booths

Will be removed and -- what's this? Why, look at all this money we have to spare now that we no longer have to pay for toll collectors, toll booth maintenance, and lights in toll plazas! We can use this for road maintenance. But until the booths are removed, all drivers will be forced to have correct change if they pull into an exact change lane or have EZ Pass if they pull into an EZ Pass lane. If you get too close to the booth and realize you're in the wrong lane and you cross the solid white line to switch lanes, your tires will be punctured.

Parking

Especially important as we near the holiday shopping season. Anyone who parks his or her car outside the designated lines of the parking space loses all right to sue for damages to the vehicle in court. Anyone who comes across a car parked outside the lines may force it within the boundaries by any means necessary. Any car that remains in a no parking or loading zone for more than 30 seconds will be swallowed up by the Earth.

Keeping New Jersey's roads safe

Anyone from New York wishing to drive in New Jersey must obtain a visitors' driving pass prior to one week before the visit. To be eligible for a pass, drivers must exhibit knowledge of the turn signal, the brake pedal, and an ability to read posted speed limits. Anyone found breaking these rules will have the car impounded on the spot and forced to walk back to Manhattan via the Lincoln Tunnel.

Thank you for your cooperation. With your help, we should be able to reduce New Jersey's auto insurance rates to less than $1,500 per person.

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