THE LAST FIVE ...

Closing up shop
- Wednesday, Aug. 02, 2006

It may be time for a change
- Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Entry in the air
- Friday, April 21, 2006

Still here
- Thursday, April 20, 2006

Music of the moment
- Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Or ... BE RANDOM!


GOOD READS

101 in 1001
American Road Trip, 1998


OTHER PEOPLE

Chupatintas
Dancing Brave
Fugging It Up
Kitty Sandwich
Mister Zero
Sideways Rain
Ultratart
Velcrometer


THE BASICS

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Tuesday, June 10, 2003 - 5:02 p.m.

Yo' mamma so ...

Since we've gotten this new art director, the days around here have changed a bit. We're no longer here until God-knows-when on three nights a week, just on Mondays, our closing days. Thursdays and Fridays have gotten better, more efficient, the way a freakin' magazine should be run.

But now, Tuesdays and Wednesdays can actually be excrutiatingly ... slow ...

How slow? As slow as yo' mamma, who so slow it take her 16 minutes to do 8-minute abs!

Yes, I just did.

To wit:

[already in progress]

HEATHER:
But if Miami switches conferences, it puts the undefeated seasons at risk

DAN:
yeah, but who knows how big a deal that is. theoretically, scheduling FSU and Florida every year puts the undefeated schedule at risk, no matter what the conference schedule has.

HEATHER:
Right. So why switch to a conference with middling teams that are, on average, stronger than those in the Big East (and which will crush your basketball progress which has built steam)?

DAN:
i don't know.

HEATHER:
WHY DO YOU NOT KNOW RIGHT NOW?

DAN:
DAMMIT, YOU'RE SO DEMANDING, BITCH!

HEATHER:
BITCH IMA KILL YOU

DAN:
BRING IT, HO!

HEATHER:
I KNOW YOU DI'INT JUST SAY THAT

DAN:
OH YES. I DID.

HEATHER:
DAAAAAAMN, GIRL

DAN:
I AIN'T LETTIN' YOU GET ALL UP IN MY FACE

HEATHER:
YO' MAMA SO FAT... SHE REAL FUCKING FAT, YO

DAN:
AT LEAST MY MAMA KNOW WHO MY DADDY IS

HEATHER:
THAT CUZ SHE ONLY SLEP WITH ONE MONKEY

DAN:
MY DADDY CAN STILL BEAT UP YO' DADDY � BUT YO' DADDY'S NEVER OUTTA PRISON LONG ENOUGH

HEATHER:
YO DADDY SO BLIND, HE ONLY DONE NAILED YO MAMA CUZ HE THOUGHT SHE WERE A MAN

DAN:
YO MAMMA SO STANK THE FISH HOLD THEIR NOSES WHEN SHE JUMPS IN THE OCEAN

HEATHER:
YO MAMMA SO FAT, WHEN SHE JUMPS IN THE OCEAN, IT FLOODS THE PLANET

DAN:
YO MAMMA SO UGLY, HER FRIENDS PUT BAGS WITHOUT HOLES OVER THEY OWN HEADS SO THEY DON' HAVE TO LOOK AT HER

HEATHER:
YO DADDY SO HAIRY, YO MAMA THOUGHT HE WAS A SWEATER AND TRIED TO SPIN-CYCLE HIS FURRY ASS

DAN:
YO SISTA SO SLUTTY, SHE TRIED TO RIDE YO' BROTHA

HEATHER:
YO MAMA SO MUTATED SHE DONE BIRTHED YOU OUT HER HO ASS

DAN:
YO DADDY SO DUMB, WHEN SOMEONE TOLE HIM DA HOSE WAS OUTSIDE, HE WENT LOOKIN' FOR SKANKS

HEATHER:
YO SISTER SO STUPID, SHE TESTED NEGATIVE FOR ENGLISH

DAN:
YO MAMMA SO SLUTTY EVEN WILT CHAIMBERLAIN WOULDN'T SLEEP WIT HER

HEATHER:
OH YEAH? WELL YO MAMMA SO SLUTTY, YOU COULD SHOVE ALL OF WILT CHAMBERLAIN UP THERE AN' SHE WOULDN'T FEEL IT

DAN:
YEAH? YEAH??? WELL, YO MAMMA SO DUMB, SHE REFILLS HER EAU DE TOILETTE WITH WATER FROM THA CRAPPER! AND SHE SO DIRTY, SHE DON' FLUSH FIRST!

HEATHER:
WELL YO UGLY MAMA SO DUMB, WHEN YO DAdDY TOLD HER TO PUT ON LIPSTICK, SHE GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB

HEATHER:
(i can't compete with your last one)

DAN:
(that's OK. i think I was running out. but yours is funny too.)

[some minutes passed ...]

DAN:
BUT YOU SO SLOW, J. LO HAD THREE MORE MARRIAGES AFORE YOU MADE UP A COMEBACK

HEATHER:
WELL YOU SO FULL A HOT AIR YOU DONE SNEEZED AND IT DRIED BEYONCE'S HAIR

DAN:
YO SO DUMB, YOU JUST CALLED HER BE ONCE

HEATHER:
'CEPT I DI'INT, BITCH - YOU SO ILLITERATE YOU NEED YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO READ YOU THE TV

DAN:
'CEPT THIS AIN'T NO TV, THIS A COMPUTER. WHICH REMINDS ME O' THA TIME WHEN I SAID I GOT A NEW APPLE, YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD HAVE A BITE.

HEATHER:
AN' WHEN I GOT A NEW IBM YOU ASK IF I NEEDED MEDICINE FOR THAT

DAN:
THAT'S CUZ USUALLY WHEN YOU COME HOME, YOU GOTS THAT ITCHIN' AND BURNIN' FEELING GOIN' ON

HEATHER:
DON'T CHOO GET SASSY WIT ME JUST CUZ YOU THOUGHT 'DEODORANT' WAS A CHARACTER NAME IN LORD OF THE RINGS

DAN:
HEY, I AIN'T THE ONE WHAT THOUGHT THE MOVIE WUZ ABOUT YO' BOYFRIEND WHAT WATCHES THE FRYER AT BURGER KING

HEATHER:
Hey, I saw Eliza Dushku at the coffee bean last night.

DAN:
cool!

[I was so dissed out that I couldn't carry on later with Bill:]

DAN:
computer crap out on you?

Bill:
yep

BILL:
damn y2k

DAN:
damn, your computer's so dumb, it's suffering from y2k in 2003.

BILL:
snap!

BILL:
you computer so old, it gets intimidated by pac man

And, to our credit, none of ours have shown up on the definitive Yo Mamma Snaps site, a well-known and prestigious web page that earned its title by virtue of being the first Yo Mamma site I found via Google.

In fact, I think some of ours are better.

And if you disagree, you so dumb, you needed a TV Guide to see how long 60 Minutes is. (OK, that one was from the site.)

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Yeah, sorry I have to be all legal on you here, but unless otherwise indicated, all that you read here is mine, mine, mine. But feel free to quote me or make fun of me or borrow what I write and send it out as an e-mail forward to all your friends, family and coworkers. Just don't say it's yours, you know?