THE LAST FIVE ...

Closing up shop
- Wednesday, Aug. 02, 2006

It may be time for a change
- Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Entry in the air
- Friday, April 21, 2006

Still here
- Thursday, April 20, 2006

Music of the moment
- Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Or ... BE RANDOM!


GOOD READS

101 in 1001
American Road Trip, 1998


OTHER PEOPLE

Chupatintas
Dancing Brave
Fugging It Up
Kitty Sandwich
Mister Zero
Sideways Rain
Ultratart
Velcrometer


THE BASICS

My crew
Latest
Older
Notes
Our host
Profile

Monday, Dec. 9, 2002 - 8:27 p.m.

Presenting John Madden's Sex-A-Strator�

You'll need to read about Heather's road trip to understand the impetus for this. While reading (and laughing) this afternoon (WARNING: GAG-INDUCING MENTAL IMAGE APPROACHING. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED), it occured to me that after sex, I'm sure John Madden can't help but break out the TeleStrator. Imagine, if you will, John Madden wrapped in the sheets, the perfect picture of a postcoital Jabba the Hut, as he rolls over to the edge of the bed, picks up the pen, and starts diagraming the insertion of the diaphragm on the TV...

HEATHER:
"See, right here, that's where a hole really opened up."
Oh my God, I'm pretty disgusting.

DAN:
Snort. "And the big guy just bust his way through there."

HEATHER:
"You need that kind of push to penetrate the zone."

DAN:
"Now that's what this is all about: Those big boys down in the trenches in all the mud and slop."

HEATHER:
"It goes back to what I've always said: Ya gotta wear a helmet."

DAN:
"You've got to hand it to him. He gets knocked down, but he just bounces right back up and goes after it again."

HEATHER:
HA!
"Don't be afraid to blitz -- if you just come right at it, full-speed, that's hard to defend."

"He can fire that thing farther than anyone I've ever seen."

DAN:
"Look at the grip he's got on that thing. There's no way anyone's prying it loose."

HEATHER:
"Look at where he places those balls. They're all over the place -- everyone's getting a hand on one."

DAN:
(Laughing too hard to type.) I'm tearing up.

HEATHER:
"Watch that second effort -- he just pumps those legs and burrows right in there for the score."

DAN:
"This is the key to a good return: You take the ball and shoot it straight up the wedge."

HEATHER:
The word "wedge" is always funny.

DAN:
Thank you. It is. That's why I went for it.
"His favorite target is the tight end."

HEATHER:
"He just loves pounding that thing right up the middle."

DAN:
"Now watch closely: He's going to scramble around down here before finally getting a grip on the thing and launching it deep. That's using your head."

HEATHER:
"You can't hold a guy like that and expect him to lie down and take it."

DAN:
"Down here in the red zone is where he really goes to work."

HEATHER:
"He knows just when to release it."

DAN:
"This guy is not bothered by the weather. Snow, rain, cold ��he gets up for all of it."

HEATHER:
"He couldn't stop it � that thing just squirted right out of his grip."

DAN:
"That's what he came for. If you're not willing to get down into it, to get your nose dirty down in the trenches, then you should stop playing and go home."

HEATHER:
"Look at that sack. That is a thing of beauty, right there � sacks don't get much harder than that."

And with that, ol' John Madden dozed off, lying back on his lover's arm as she contemplated gnawing off her arm to free herself.

Previous page: It's Christmastime again
Next page: From the lips of John Madden

� 1998-2004 DC Products. All rights reserved.

Yeah, sorry I have to be all legal on you here, but unless otherwise indicated, all that you read here is mine, mine, mine. But feel free to quote me or make fun of me or borrow what I write and send it out as an e-mail forward to all your friends, family and coworkers. Just don't say it's yours, you know?