OK, so here's the deal: I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm talking about on the road.

Let me clarify: I'm not about to become an Asshole Driver or necessarily an Aggressive Driver (though I will be aggressive when the situation might call for it). I'm not about to be consumed with Road Rage either.

Mainly, I'm going to let all the other assholes and pricks know when they're fucking up out there.

I considered this over Christmas, when Casey and I made two trips down to Little Silver within five days, then drove out to Johnstown and back over the next week. On one of our trips down to LS, I was driving in the left lane and noticed a van riding my ass, tailgating at 70 mph. After I passed the car on our right, in the center lane, I made sure I had enough room so that I didn't cut him off. I held my right turn signal on and looking in my mirrors as I began to change lanes. Only the jerk behind me had already jolted over -- without signaling -- and was speeding past me, forcing me to lurch back into the left lane. I leaned on the horn as he passed, moved into the center lane after he passed on the right and flashed him with my high beams. Then the prick put on his hazard lights as a kind of "fuck you" in the dark. Asshole.

Just this morning as we were on our way to IKEA, I was driving in the right lane on a section of the New Jersey Turnpike just before the road splits into two roadways, one for cars only and another that allows trucks and buses. An exit for Newark Airport is also near this split, and as I cruised along, a fucking limo driver in a Town Car simply drifted right, across the line into my lane and continued, never signaling, nearly clipping my front bumper with his rear one. It was close, so close that now that I look back on it, that asshole was way too close. I honked at him but saw no acknowledgment or indication that he understood he'd fucked up. Then I pulled into the left lane and sped past him -- still only at about 75 mph, so he was crawling.

So I've decided there are several Acts of Idiocy on the road I will no longer take. If I see it, I'm honking or scowling or yelling or shaking my fist. Naturally, I'm going to have some discretion for the situation as well as for the target -- I don't need a repeat of the Incident with the Asshole in the Driveway. Here are some examples:

� Don't cut me off. This goes for changing lanes on highways, toll lanes, pulling out of side streets and left turns in front of me on local streets (particularly speeding to catch the left-turn arrow when it's yellow and cutting across lanes to make the turn after the arrow has turned off and those of us coming from the other way now have a green light).

� At least act like you notice the speed limits. Don't go 45 in a 25 just because there are two lanes. There's a reason they made it 25 and it doesn't give you the right to drive how fast you feel. Besides, on this one particular road, the cops watch it regularly, so I'll be hoping they nab you. Also, on highways, if you're going 50 in the left lane of a 65 mph zone, you'll be getting the high-beam flash. You can go 50 on the interstate, that's what the right lane is for; not everyone has to go 80.

� Don't run red lights. This seems simple, but I've seen jerks blow on through when they clearly had enough time to stop. Up here in the suburbs outside New York City, there are a lot of Important People who have to get to Meetings and Run Errands quickly because their Time is Important to Them or, less satisfactory, Time is Money. And there are still some lights around here that are older and don't have the pause between red and green that most of today's traffic signals do. Finally, the biggest thing that pisses me off at red lights are those people who inch out into the intersection before the light turns green simply so they can get a head start on the traffic and make their left turn (in cases where there is no arrow). I've seen it as egregious as a situation where, with no oncoming traffic, cars will actually simply run the red light when they see the other light turn yellow. I actually had a guy next to me do this and go straight from the right lane (I was in the left) just to prevent an oncoming car from making a left when the light changed.

� Pay fucking attention. This particularly has to do with cell phones. I think the laws prohibiting their use while driving are good ones, but when I see cops in their cruisers chatting away while driving, I know they're not going to get enforced. But use judgment. Don't be making a call while trying to go from the right lane to a left-turn only lane in traffic while driving a standard-shift car. And, for the love of Nokia, don't let me catch you backing out of your driveway (or a parking space/lot) while talking on the phone. You were just parked! Finish the conversation before endangering yourself and the rest of us on the road.

� Slow the fuck down in parking lots. During the one summer I worked at the farm market near my house in high school, I loved to take five minutes to go round up the stray carts left in the parking lot. It was a small lot, barely wide enough to allow cars to pass going opposite directions (which is why drivers were encouraged to go one way and circle around to leave). While walking the lot, I also scowled at every customer who honked at people backing out of parking spaces. I see this quite often: Someone tries to back out of a space but has his or her view obstructed by a giant hulking SUV, so the only option is to back out slowly and cautiously. But then some punk comes along in the travel lanes, sees the car backing out and realizes that it might back into his car if he continues. So he fucking honks, causing the backer to slam on the brakes (and maybe wet themselves) while he speeds on. How about using the brakes first, jackoff? I also can't stand people who treat parking lots like their own private go-cart track, speeding around rows of cars at 25 mph and causing pedestrians to flee.

� Don't go straight from the left-turn only lane. This pisses me off to no end. People will pull up to a light where there are two lanes -- one for left turns and one to go straight (sometimes a third is for right turns, and sometimes there are two going straight, etc.). During high-traffic times, there may be a backup in the lane(s) to go straight, and someone will blatantly go into the left-turn lane just to jump the line and then pull out and either use the turn signal to cut someone off, or simply speed up and engage them in an unnecessary game of Chicken. Same goes for people who turn left from the center lane (in instances where the center lane is not designated as a lane from which a left turn is permissible). I realize that occasionally the person committing the infraction has committed an honest mistake -- he or she did not realize that he or she was in a left-turn only/no left turn/etc. lane and needs to go straight or left or whatever. In those cases, if the driver is cautious and apologetic about it, I'll allow some leniency. But those who just push their way through, fuck off. A few weeks ago, I witnessed one of the worst cases of horrendous driving I've seen in a long time, to the point where I tried to catch up to the car later to get a license number or tell off the asshole behind the wheel. I'd just made a right turn in front of a grammar school on a right-turn-only arrow that had turned yellow while I was making the turn. Not 30 feet later is another light which was yellow, so I stopped at the front of the line in the right lane to go straight on the green. Another car pulled up behind me. Then I heard the revving of a hemi and noticed a black Dodge Durango that had just made the same right (clearly on the red arrow) pull into the left lane (a left-turn only lane) and then speed past the car behind me and myself and run the red light to go straight through the intersection. I was seething, particularly because it was next to this grade school on a weekday. Nevermind whether or not kids were visible outside (they weren't); you just don't take those chances around a school. The bastard's/bitch's stunt didn't get him/her far: When the light turned green and I rolled down the hill to the next light maybe a quarter of a mile away, I saw the Durango several cars ahead. I never managed to get close enough on the two-lane road to get a look at the tags or the driver, though.

God, I've gotten myself so fired up. I need to stop.

But I won't stop watching.