Lovely.

Now my friends are upset with me. My high school friends, my hometown friends. (Matt, I know you're not part of the disenters, and I trust that everything that I eventually write here will not be repeated.) Jaime IMed me today simply starting out with, "Dan?" Something about that told me it wasn't going to be good. "Are you busy?" she continued. Sir, we have confirmation. I told her I was but I could chat.

She started rambling off various things, the specifics of which I don't remember and I've already closed the window. Her personal gripe was the most legitimate: She broke off an engagement earlier this year and while I've asked her how she's doing occassionally, I haven't stayed as close with her as I could have. Heck, Casey and I spent New Year's with her and Dave and we talked about the coming year and their wedding plans. Even then, they were scaling back the festivities from a big October blowout to a small May family affair; they were even toying with the idea of just the two of them and their respective siblings on a Caribbean beach somewhere.

But she said Elise was a little upset with me and Amy is alone in San Antonio with her husband working hospital hours and I don't IM her to see how she is and people are thinking I'm blowing them off. I told her I'm sorry that I haven't been around as much and I'm trying to do the best I can. But Casey's family is coming in after Christmas ��and she doesn't even get to spend Christmas with her family ��and that's the weekend everyone in and around Little Silver wants to have their get-togethers. I suppose I could skip out on the weekend in Long Island and spend Thursday and Friday and Sunday with Casey and her family; or I could spend Friday night with the crew and then go to LI.

My problem is I want to do everything. I want to see everyone. I don't necessarily want to please everyone, just apease them. Jaime lamented that I was the sun of our friend universe: I was usually the one who brought everyone together. I enjoyed that role, but then it started to wear on me. I was tired of having to do all the legwork when it appeared others weren't interested in taking the reins. Half the time, I was happy to just get together and watch TV or a movie; sometimes that wasn't enough for everyone. (In our old age, however, we seem to be more content to just "set.")

I do want to spend more time with friends. I want to do more on weekends. It doesn't have to be elaborate trips to shows or big dinners in fancy city restaurants. Walking through the park on a crisp winter's day and then making an easy dinner at home while we rent a movie would suffice. I guess I need to do that more.

In my defense, I remarked to Jaime how respect is a two-way street, sister, and that while I have lagged in my correspondence, so have the others. In fact, in the past year, there have probably been more gaps in e-mails that I've broken than others have.

Sigh.

I don't want to get into a defense of my absence or try to shift the blame. I just want to get settled into a life again, a routine, and see how I can work everyone else back into it. I had the same problem a year ago with Bryan, and we've remedied that nicely in the past few months (thanks in a big way to my new job). I'm confident I'll be able to do the same with this group. Actually, Sunday might be a good time to start: Casey and I can stop off in Philadelphia for a late lunch/early dinner with Jaime on our way back from D.C. And maybe the weekend of the 21st we'll see who's around (like Matt from Seattle) and where we should go boozin' � NYC or the Jersey Shore.

And I want to be able to reciprocate when everyone gives me gifts again this year. Last year I had calendars printed using my photos, but it was a bit costly. This year I want to do fun gifts, so maybe a visit to Imaginarium or the toy store or somewhere will work.

What I really need is to win that lottery or some other cash windfall so that I can quit my job and be a writer and live off my investments and travel around the world to write about stuff and visit my friends. Because when I could, I'd still crash at their places to avoid staying in hotels.