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Tuesday, Mar. 11, 2003 - 2:54 p.m.

Freedom, I won't let you down

I'd first heard of some restaurant in the South doing it sometime last week, and so we joked about it around the office.

Now, the House of Representatives is doing it.

"Would you like freedom fries with that?"

I find it amusing and also wonder if it's just a little silly, perhaps a tad over the top. I think that feeling comes from all the pomp and formality involved with Capitol Hill and the fact that in order to make this change, a letter was circulated and a news conference was held.

Maybe it's a stretch, but I equate it to myself issuing a press release to announce that I've named my fantasy baseball team the Village Idiots.

But don't think it's going to stop at french � er, freedom � fries. Same goes for freedom toast.

So I suppose that now I should change how I speak. Let's see how that would work.

Last night I freedom kissed Casey.

I wouldn't mind if she dressed up as a freedom maid for Halloween this year.

Her hair isn't long enough for a freedom braid.

I prefer Goulden's mustard to Freedom's mustard.

Did anyone think actor Freedom Stewart was funny in 3rd Rock From The Sun?

I'm still mad Freedom Davis was kicked off American Idol. Or is it Freedie Davis?

Maybe we'll have Freedom bread pizzas for dinner tonight.

I'd love to go back to New Orleans and visit the Freedom Quarter.

I wanted to be in the band in grade school, but I couldn't play the freedom horn.

And do we have to only change the things that begin with "French"? What about other France-related things, like Paris Hilton or Paris, Texas? Or berets and mimes and tiny, pencil-thin mustaches? Will they take Beauty and the Beast off Broadway (wait, the musicians just did that, though now it's back on). Will they stop selling the DVD and put it back in the vault? (Right, Disney already did that � though it was still on the shelves at Target this morning.) At work, Garry now turns to Frank next to us and addresses him as Freedom. (I suggested Euro.)

So this may be a simple, only-until-we-kick-Saddam's-ass-and-the-French-want-in-on-the-loot change, but what if it's not? I'll tell you this: If McDonald's jumps on board, this thing will stick. Once Mickey Dees makes the change, they'll forever be known as freedom fries. The "french" designator only comes from the fact that it was some dude in France who got the idea to take a potato, slice it thinly and fry it. Apparently, according to this extensive history of the potato (and perhaps those of you who've traveled outside this hemisphere, unlike myself), because of the far-reaching efforts of fast-food franchiseers, around the world they're often called American fries. (A hole-in-the-wall, out-of-the-way diner in South Bend also called them American fries on its menu, but that might have been more from xenophobia than anything else.)

Know what, though? I've got a simple solution to all of this, something that comes from my penchant to abbreviate as much as I can, to call someone Dave instead of David, Matt instead of Matthew, Pete instead of Peter � just call them fries.

Mmmm ... fries ...

Done and done.

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