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Wednesday, May. 18, 2005 - 12:51 p.m.

Britney and Kevin: Idiotic

It was, perhaps, the greatest train-wreck of a television show, ever.

We watched as we would watch the first weeks of American Idol, when they trot in the contestants with no talent for no reason but to have Simon Cowell berate them. Britney and Kevin: Chaotic was a look into the 10th-grade mind of Britney Spears.

We expected nothing less. We had a party -- three of Casey's current and former co-workers came over for a dinner of snacks Brit herself would've loved. Cheetos (or the much tastier and slightly healthier Whole Foods brand), mozzarella sticks fried up in our Fry Daddy, tofu wontons and beer or scotch and soda. Clearly only something as idiotic as Britney Spears putting her home movies on TV could warrant a premiere party at our house.

If you missed last night's show, never fear. Beginning next Thursday, MTV will rerun the two most recent episodes back-to-back beginning at 10 p.m. And you know what the UPN-MTV relationship means: There will be a weekend marathon sometime before the season ends.

Our review, as it were, follows.


DAN: So wait, if this is their home movies, who's filming it?

CASEY: They are.

DAN: No, I mean when they're mackin'.

[Laughter.]

DAN: Oh, wait, I bet it's Kory.

LISA: That's what they should've called it! "Mackin'"!

CASEY: I'm going to call it "Mackin'" from now on.

BRITNEY: They look like boobs. But they're not. They're my knees.

LISA: She's so high!

LISA: Put your boobs away! God!

DAN: Oh God. I've NEVER heard Britney speak. It's attrocious.

LISA: God. Zoom OUT.

NATALIE: Yeah. I'm looking up her pores.

NATALIE: I didn't think it was possible for me to dislike her more, or hate her more.

CASEY & LISA: Wait, does she realize how fucking horrible she sounds?

NATALIE: I think I might throw up all the mozz.

CASEY [after Britney's voice gets very deep]: Why does she become Elvis sometimes?

[Britney in her sit-down interview. In her nightie. Or some silky get-up.]

NATALIE: God damn her tits!

[A close-up of Kevin on screen.]

EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAAA!!!

NATALIE: There's no plot to this. It's just like Britney's pores.

LISA: I want a cookie!

ABBY: Britney's pores. They are chaotic.

NATALIE: This is making the mozz in my stomach chaotic.

ABBY: She's singing about not wearing underwear, because she likes the way it feels.

NATALIE: Eew.

NATALIE [singing]: Cuz Kevin ate my underwear!

DAN [after Britney filmed herself singing in the car, we're shown professionally recorded footage from her Onyx Hotel tour]: Wait. We've just heard her sing. That's NOT her singing voice!

ABBY: Can you handle my truth?

CASEY: I don't want to handle anything of hers.

NATALIE: Britney is clearly so stunted.

ABBY: Yeah, she's like a child.

[Together]
LISA: I love UPN!
CASEY: Oh, UPN!

LISA: Put your boobs in your shirt!

NATALIE: Do you know how many people in this country are getting drunk to this right now?

ABBY [mimicking Britney on-screen]: No you're stupid! No you! You're stupid!

ABBY [on Kevin]: He's nasty. He eats his own gas.

ABBY [mocking Kevin after Britney's asked him about committment]: I believe in committment ...
ABBY AND CASEY: ... when you accidentally knock someone up!

BODYGUARD: There was nothing I liked about kevin the first day I met him.

CASEY; Us too, Mo!

NATALIE: They're high, aren't they?

LISA: They're totaly high.

ABBY: I don't know if I can physically watch this every week.

LISA: you can't handle the truth.

CASEY: You can't handle britney's truth.

NATALIE: She's totaly convinced that she's making these profound statements.

CASEY: Ew. Look at his pointy nipples.

LISA: He has backne!

DAN [when Britney's on the treadmill]: Her ass is huge.

ABBY: This is as fit as she's looked.

CASEY [When Kevin's in the shower]: Look He's washing the grease off! It's photographic proof!

BRITNEY [in the make-up chair before a concert]: I've had sex three times today.

ABBY, CASEY, LISA, NATALIE, DAN: [Shocked looks.]

NATALIE: This is the most nausiating thing I've heard in my life.

NATALIE: Ew. She's had sex three times, and now she has someone popping her zits for her.

BRITNEY: Gotta look extra pretty.

CASEY: Gonna need an extra layer of spackle then.

NATALIE: Next week on Chatotic: Britney's pores and tits and everything else.

NATALIE: She's like, "Next week stay tuned, Kevin and I have sex seven times."

ABBY: And then I talk about it with everyone I see on the street.

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